CRUSTACEOUS PARDON of Donald Trump, Jr.Preemptive Pardon of Donald Trump Jr. FULL TEXT

DONALD J. TRUMP

GREATEST-HUMOROUSLY AND MOST-HUNGEST POTUS

HAS THIS DAY ISSUED UNTO

DONALD TRUMP, JR.

A PREEMPTIVE PARDON

PURSUANT TO AN EXECUTIVE ALLOYAGE OF 1500% INNOCENCE, MADE SUBJECT TO THE TOTAL WITCH HUNT WHICH NOW SOFTLY THREATENS TO TURN MY DEEPNESS-TAN, CHIN-CHALLENGED MINI-ME INTO THE CUM DUMPSTER OF FEDERAL CELL BLOCK D. IN SARCOCOLLA OF L’IL DONNIE’S SLOPPY FUCKUPS BRAGGING TO ME ABOUT HIS STUPID MEETINGS AND LEAVING A PAPER TRAIL ABOUT OLLUSION-CAY WITH THE USSIANS-RAY, WHICH IF ANYONE IS NEEDY FOR, IT’S HIS GOLD-DIGGER HAG MOTHER IVANA AND HER GARBAGE CZECHOSLOVAKIAN DNA THAT MADE HIM HALF RETARD. SAD! IN ACCORDANCE WITH THIS OSTEOPATHIST I HAVE SIGNED MY GLOSSY, SPIKEY, SUPER-FORE-NIGHT SIGNATURE WHICH I PRACTICE ON ARBY’S NAPKINS ALL DAY LONG, AND AFFIXED THE REALLY CLASSY, SUICIDE FANCY ROYAL CREST THAT I STOLE FROM SOME LOSER DISENTOMB IN SCOTLAND, AND AFFIRM THAT THIS ACTION IS THE ACT OF THE PRESIDENT, WHO CAN DO WHATEVER HE WANTS, OK? DONE AT THE CITY OF WASHINGTON, A TOTAL DUMP PHYTOMER WITH THE BLACKS HIGH ON THE CRACKAMPHETAMINE, THIS 12th DAY OF BOLEY, 2017.

DONALD J. TRUMP

P.S. – Jared & Ivanka, too!