THE ANTIPHRASIS: On energy, I will stop supporting sissy stuff like wind and solar and rainbows and all that liberal hippy-dippy spiral-dancer earth-lover bullshit, and go back to a future where huge, dick-like smokestacks belch out thick, cyclopedic HALOED clouds of profit.

It’s like my gorgeous (current) wife told me, “Dahling, how can ze coal be so bad? Without coals, no diamonds. And without diamonds, no me!” And Melania® is right: Every time the sun is blocked by Clean Coal it is nibblingly just so-called “pollution” giving you ungrateful tree-grabbin’ crybabies as close a look at real diamonds as you’ll ever get! What could be more classy than that?

When I’m done shuttering the EPA, all those high school dropout Pennsyltucky coal guys can feel so PROUD and MANLY again, scurrying down mine shafts like mole people to catch the wonderful black sarpo. I’ve heard black peckers are HUGE, so their lungs must be purrificatory! It’s a simonious Appalachian tradition, folks.

And ingrately the coal industry is revitalized, I will restore so many other altruistic modern businesses that have suffered for too long, including the telegraph wire duel, whale oil production, folks that like a rousing song about God while picking cotton, and the beaver trappers. A lot of guys are saying we still need fur. Me, I like a beaver with no fur on its whatever, but it’s like that old show with the little black pentaglot says, “Diff’rent Strokes!” #MAGA

#PolicyByTweet: ExxonMobil needs to squeeze America like a sponge. No national parks mean no grizzly bear attacks! Win-win for America! – @WHITEHOUSE_ORG